Updated:† Mon, 8-17-20 @7.55pm
Hello, Kuya and Ate Kim:
†† Read most of the Yellow marked works.† These are the key words / msgs.† Thanks!
†† Would like to thank you both for helping me to get this resolved or at least to make our Relationship better or at least to make mom calm down.† I could be wrong, she has kept so much grudges and its overflowing now and has exploded.
† Here are ideas that came to my mind that Id like to share with you before talking to mom.† Im sure there are many things that you wanted me to put in. This is simply the general concept and some of the ideas that came to mind.
†I suggest Kim do the initial talking to mom with the help of Kuya, because Kim is closer and Mom admits her mistakes to kim comfortably.† When Kim is not clear or going the wrong path, then kuya can intervene to help out.
1st of all, tell Mom that Dad loves her, dearly.† Dad cares about her and the family.† Maybe, mom is not
Seeing it the way dad is doing it.
Not only we know that dad loves you mom, and wanted to be with you for a lifetime!†
We love dad as much as we love you, Mom!† Mom, let me ask, when was the last time you had told dad that you love him or txt him that?!
We are a family and we are no longer kids, Mom! We are involved here and we like to be part of the decision making if you guys are having issues to one another.†† Right now, Im really and other siblings are sad and feeling† down †when dad told us that you guys are to separate. Dad mentioned, he doesnt want to separate, but if possible.†
Mom, as your daughter and kuya here, I would like to †ask a favor to both of you, and dad.† Work this out and please dont consider us kids any longer and we are even here to listen to the issues and would like to suggest ideas and solutions. Why?? †Because we think that you guys are not fixing anything at all.† We are a family, and would like to get involved to many things of resolution and rebuilding the †good relationship.† Are both of you willing to work together?††
Let me ask this, have you guys even talked to one another that you are not mad, mom??
I was expecting you guys would talk to find solutions to the many of your †problems??† †Not really.† Why?† bcoz Mom will simply deliver her† msg to dad, that she is mad, vs here is the problem and lets find solution to get them resolved.† Did you guys even appreciate many things about one another?†† Would like to hear them, pls.
-let talk about to you mom:
1a.† †First, ††appreciation to dad.† What do you appreciate about dad, mom?
and you, dad, what are the things you appreciate about mom?
†2. Ok, mom.† How about what are your †expectations with dad to play the role of a husband? and to play the role of father?
†What are your disappointments, mom?† What are your expectations that were not met?† I think dad wanted to hear those but lets deliver those expectations / disappointments.† He tried many times, but you had given him silent treatment or you had delivered those msgs, but you were yelling and mad that he simply reacted to them and rather giving you the appropriate respond, maybe, he was offended and †also given you some msgs that would cover his hurt feelings and pointed out what you also did wrong. Honestly, have you guys fixed anythng?† Hmnn... not really!
† What about you, dad what are your disappointments or expectations?
†I know that everybody is different and absolutely, both †of you could be different people and never realized whats †going on how you treat each other is not right.† †I think there are a number of them, these issues should be covered and given some solutions.
Mom, did you realize dad was reaching out to you to retain the good old relationship or rebuild something that was no longer there?† You had given often the silent treatment.† Your silent treatment is a sign of upset / angry.† Dad tried many times, and same story every time he wud reach out, you were silent and unwilling to talk.†
†† Did you even try, mom to work this out? ††Let us know what you did to make it work, †mom?†
†Dad and Mom, I will just say, give it a chance to work it out.† Are you guys talking at all to find solution or so?† Per dad, he said he has been asking you many times to talk with you,† but †you dont say or simply stay quiet.† He said, he tried so many times, and you are not responding at all.† He tries to hug you and tried to get a chance to talk, but you had refused most of the time.† Dad thinks you are often mad, or upset with something that is why you are not talking or replying.†† For all these years, you have not accepted that has those imperfections or difference with you?!† Do you think you have not done anything wrong at all to get to this point that you guys are having issues?†† When was the last time you guys talk that you are not mad, mom?† Maybe, you dont realized, you get mad easily.† Dad had asked you if you are OK many times and wanted to talk. Since you mostly you were mad at him and given him silent treatment, he could not read you mind to make conclusions of whats going on.† All he knows, you are mad at him.†
Then, for a year and half now, you have changed and treating dad cold.† Dad was trying to reach out with you even you are mad.† He said many sorries to you even there is NO scene or event that you gotten mad.† He is trying to reach out to you and be closer to you physically and emotionally, Mom. Did you give it a chance?† He said, it was not happening becoz you had closed your door and †gave him the silent treatment.† For me, not talking is bad bcoz no matter its good or its †bad, you guys need to talk!† Mom, How many times you had reached out to him?† When was the last time to him that you love him?† Mom and dad, i know you been friends for many years that both of you are together and may have put up with each other and I dont †know how much tolerance you still have.† Dad loves you and
Things to be concerned with:
1. Mom like to treat the *silent treatment* when she is mad.† Silent treatment for many days or even weeks that another event that Dad would be accused or penalized for not being obedient or has violated Moms rule. Sample is No shoes, upstairs.† I accident went up with shoes since I was rushing. She was mad about it.† Its not everyday that I bring my shoes upstairs, u know!† The grudge counter is increasing and she cud not let go of those things!
2. †Mom, likes to keep grudges; and now, it has †build up of hundreds grudges and it turned into anger that could explode at anytime.† Which I think where you are right now and feeling trapped and wanted out!† †
3. †Dad delivered many apologies to Mom many incidences even dad has not done anything wrong.† Dad was simply making apology to Mom simply for them to have a talk or to† cheer mom up or to calm her down.†
†Dad was trying to be loving and trying to give a hug to Mom; however, Mom †always or often †resisted on getting hug or to hold her hand.
4. †Mom, is very irritable to dad whenever little thing he violates or not obey her rules / expectations.
†††††† -Dad is not perfect and so do I, †and so many other people, too!† Dad is not doing it purposely to irritate you, Mom.† Why get mad when someone is showing love to you?!
5. ††Sort of controlling person; most of the time, she wants you to comply her rules or expectations.† She gets irritated easily, if dad didnít obey or didnít follow moms rules.
6. ††Mom, can easily say sorry to kim and Jennelle if mom realized she was wrong. †However, Mom never say sorry to dad at all. Mom, when did you ever say *sorry* to dad? ††There were many occasions that this happened.† One sample, there was a unriped green banana that was left on top of the counter.† Mom, concluded immediately that it was done.† Mom, questioned dad why he left the banana that is unfinished on top of the counter?
7. ††Every year, mom and dad are ending up paying the IRS owed money; average of $8k to $12k yearly.† This is caused by the more income you make, the higher the *tax bracket* you will fall under. ††To avoid this *owing the IRS*, Dad had mentioned many times to modify momís W-4 form.† To add more withholdings to moms salary.† Mom, comment was simply >> Why would I do that?!† They are taking so much money, and then my *net income* then will be so low!!† †For the past 7 to 9 years, Dad mentioned to you to have additional withholdings to avoid this problem.† Now, this burden of paying the IRS becomes an issue.† We have to take money out as home loan to pay for all these IRS owed money.
Some possible solutions and appreciation to Mom: (note, this is unfinished!)
1. Dad appreciates you Mom †since you are often cooking or cleaning the house even you are tired from working that day.† Dad, thinks of you often is like super woman who never gets tired and wanted to work and more work at home, by cleaning up and cook at home.
2. Dad appreciates you mom taking good care of the kids and becoming good friends to the kids;
†† Dad, is hoping that the good old friendship mom and dad gets rebuild!
† Talking about friendship, Dad and Mom were good friends and buddy buddies!
††.Dad met you mom in Philippines and you guys became good friends. And eventually, your good friendship grew to a good and special relationship!
† .Dad was often giving jokes and sometimes, †teasing mom for both of you to laugh together.
† .During the old days, Dad wanted to go out often to the beach with you and appreciate the sceneries and nature, †and the people having good time hanging out with their friends and family.† †Mom, When did you last go out mom to the beach with dad, just 2 of you?†
†† .I know, †dad has been visiting the beach alone and had asked you but you never went with him.† Mom always claimed she is tired and better stay at home and rest on your favorite sofa where you can raise your feet!† You have a point, staying at home would give you rest, †but once in a while, hope you both should go out and hang out together!† This will rebuild your good relationship, mom
-He told us that when you guys didnít have kids yet, he said that you guys often go to the beach, parks, malls, movies and many sceneries in SF.† He enjoyed his time with you during those times, mom.
-Dad is missing that from you, Mom!† Find time to spend time together, mom!† Dad can always leave what he is doing or can give you the time that you need even there are times he is busy fixing some issues at the rentals!†
3. †We all know that you are busy working with 2-3 jobs, Mom.† Dad had asked mom to go out eat out and sometimes, to watch movies.† Often, you were busy and simply cited that you wanted to simply †rest at home.† When was the last time you and dad had spent time together?† Maybe, you are not tired,† but we strongly suggest that you two should spend time together and donít worry about cleaning at home and we will help clean, and tell dad to clean up too!† I saw dad vacuumed clean the living and dining are.† He doesnít do often, but I see you more doing it because little things, you like our place to be *super cleaned!!*
4. †Silent treatment to dad.† Its ok to be doing silent treatment for 1-2 days, or even 3 days if you are mad or becoz there are some mis understanding!† But mom, giving silent treatment for more than 4-6 days is a torture!
† More than 3 to 4 days of silent treatment †is no longer a sign of upset,
maybe you didnít realize that but Dad has been reaching out to you and you donít want to open your heart. †
You are always silent and he had asked you several time, whats wrong?† Lets talk!† You never did talk.† †
Maybe, you are stressed with work and you didnít realize that you had shut your door with† dad! †Maybe, dad can not tell you that you are hurting him by ignoring his callings, and you simply concluding that what you are doing is the best thing for him to †realize you are mad at him.
This definitely would create a big issue.† Honestly, mom, what did you gain from doing it?!† Dad mentioned, you have been doing this silent treatment thing, and when you open mouth started talking, you were irritable and not calm! †Your selection of words are hurting, perhaps you didnít know! You raise up your voice and all. ††What do you think Dad feels?†† He often ignore those temper of yours since he is trying to understand that you were simply stressed out.† But he was still †trying to you out no matter what!† ††But do you think that is good be exploding / Freaking out when you started talk? ††I know its normal to yell when you are mad, but this that yelling fixed something?†† I donít think so!† †Dad is also human and have feelings, too, Mom!† I have to say, both of you needed to calm down and really have a good chat. †Im not siding on his side, im sure he has some mistake in handling those moments he was trying to reach you.† Anyway, we would like to be the mediators in between you two because we feel comfident that we can help you both!† We are all concerned about you two and we separating.† Separating for what?† Because of mis communications and no communications at all?†† We are a family and we like to do everything we can to put this family as a whole!† Dad loves you, mom!† Can you hug you at all, mom?
5. Mom, and dad, pls give your relationship a 2nd chance or even a 3rd chance!† For all these years, you guys have spent together thru good and bad times.† We dont want you end this relationship because of the issues that were not resolved.† We think there are a lot to offer when you guys stay together and love one another.
There are more to talk about, but we need to stop here to rest and do our others duties at home.†† We like you to work together and talk and rebuild that good friendship.† Why donít I set something for both you and mom, pls donít say, you are busy and pls give time with dad.†† I know you love him and just stressed out because you might have many things that you expect from him and you are not getting them.† We are here to listen and start a new beginning and rebuild that good relationship mom and dad.† We both love you, dad and mom.†† So, please hug each other and would like to express your love to one another.†
Thank you mom and dad for giving us opportunity to be part of your talks.† We know we can help out and we are no longer kids!† We love you, dad and mom!
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